Yesterday I turned 30 years old. We have all said it, and we can all remember when to us, not too long ago, 30 was very old. And then we have all said as we turned 30-its not old at all!!!
As I have been thinking about his decade shift for the past few months, my focus has been on 30. I have had anxiety, interest, relief. And yesterday as I was going over these feelings, and wondering at them, I realized that this is not about 30 at all, its about me leaving my 20’s. Everything good in my life, all my dreams came true in my 20’s, and as you all know the worst also happened. I lost my child. All of my pain and love resides there, so it was a little emotional to move on in many ways, and in others, I was relieved and excited to see what lies ahead.
My 20’s started with Jarrett. Just 6 months after leaving our teen years behind (he turned 30 last month), we were married. We were both full-time college students and that was the richest we ever were financially-ha! Me as a bank teller, Jarrett waiting table with no bills! We went to Wal-mart every night to buy a new DVD, and even managed to go on a vacation to Florida without thinking much about it, that would take quite a financial feat now!
When we were 21 we had Peyton-he was planned and wanted and we were ready and waiting for him. I quit my job at the bank and went part-time at school, Jarrett graduated and we moved to Colorado for a church job. (Jarrett’s degree is in Biblical Studies with a minor in Hebrew and Greek (he can read in both languages!))
We bought our first house, a trampoline for Peyton, and when we were 23 we had Conner. Just 2 months later we left that job, our house, our life because of major church drama which we had no desire to be a part of.
And then we hit a “hard” time. This was our “hard” time before losing Trek. We moved in with my parents, Jarrett worked 3 jobs to pay bills for a house we were not living in and could not sale, and I stayed home with the boys (ok-it was not that hard for me, I was still going to my dream job every day-staying home with Peyton and Conner!). And then the “good” came back.
One of those 3 jobs Jarrett was working was as a server for Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. 2 months later they offered him a manager job in Maui and to pay for all 4 of us to move there! Um-yes a million times over!! (our house sold 1 week after we accepted the job offer to Maui:)
So at 24 years old, we moved to Maui and became complete beach bums. Peyton was 2, Conner was 8 months old and we fell in love. They had a drawer full of board shorts, 1 pair of flip flops, and a couple t-shirts which they never wore. Half the time they were completely naked at the beach along with all the other naked beach babies.
And that’s where time stood still for 3 years. All I remember is beach, sun, mangoes, playing day and night with Peyton and Conner, beach weekends with Jarrett, sand in the sheets and never caring. It was timeless and if I could live my life a million times over I would choose those 3 years the same again and again.
Maui year 4, at 27 years old, we got a very special, planned and wanted gift-Trek took residence in my womb. And most of you know the rest of the story-driveway birth, more sand in the sheets, sun tans, beach and more beach, and then Jarrett could stand it no more. He wanted to be there with us, all the time.
Looking back at that time is amazing to me. From the outside, our life was perfect and it was from the inside too. Selling everything, moving off of MAUI!, giving up our awesome and long awaited rental house, and Jarrett’s job that literally had him staring at whales and the Pacific all day seems ludicrous. And it should have seemed that way to us, but it did not. The shear energy and drive behind a change like that was so powerful, and I can barely understand it now, even though it was us doing it and I lived it. There is only one reason for that-I know it was Trek.
I have always felt Trek orchestrated his entire life and it was our job to listen and just make it happen. He never spoke, but we always knew just what he wanted. If he had not came in the driveway, Jarrett would not have had that “Ah-ha” moment. The moment where he realized that he did not want to miss anymore of the amazing life the boys and I lived every day.
So we dove in to this move, even buying one-way tickets to Thailand. And then we found out Trek would die.
But our life (not us) was ready for that shift-we already had a new renter coming into our home, Jarrett was working his last week at his job, and we had already sold all our things and just had a few boxes left.
So our 28th year was spent in 8 countries and 4 states. And our baby died.
I am not sure what to write after that-I wish I could type out my tears, they would say it all for me.
29 has been spent reeling and trying to find a way to live with a part of our family missing, a part of our hearts missing, one less brother, one less son, from 5 to 4 in physical appearance and the pain that alone causes every day.
29 also brought new life in my womb, which we know for so many tangible and intangible ways that was also Trek’s doing.
Jarrett and I grew up together, and Peyton grew up with us. He has been there almost as long as we have, and him and Conner have felt it all too. The beach, the joy, the peace, the hippie life, the pain, the loss, the kisses, the getting of a brother and son, and the taking away of one.
I enter my 30’s with mixed emotions. Part of me wants to stay in my 20’s. Living them over and over again, they were beautiful on so many levels, but most of all they included Trek.
I enter 30 without Trek, but with a new life coming-the feelings of contradictions are endless.
I am excited for this new decade. I am glad I have Jarrett to share everything I am and have with, and him with me. After 10 years together, I could never live without him. We have been to hell and back together and I love him more than words could ever say and I like him soo much too-he is the best friend any woman could ever hope to have.
I treasure Peyton and Conner with everything I am. I could never put into words my love and adoration of them. My whole life is theirs and gladly give everything to them.
And my little girl. So many joys yet to be discovered and love to unfold. I already cannot see our lives without her in them. I cannot wait to meet her, and hold her, and smell her.
Trek. I have to carry him in my heart now, when all I want is him in my arms. One day when I am ready, I will share all the ways Trek lets me know he is still here with us. I know you all love him too, but you will fall even more in love. He is the most thoughtful and loving son and brother. We are so lucky to have him and for the time we held him, and could look at his beautiful face, and kiss him. I dread that every decade I will have to enter without him. I spent parts of my day in tears yesterday at this strange transition without Trek. I miss him so much and wish he was here.
I am 30 now. I never dreamed I would do so much, experience so much in my 20’s. I hope to write of a lot less pain and even more joy by the time I turn 40. I am truly excited to see what this next 10 years hold.
my favorite birthday ever and for forever-my only one with Trek