thank you all for the amazing words about my new photography venture. I know I have much to learn, I don’t even compare myself to other photographers because I am far from a professional. This is so very fun for me and a new adventure, I hope to get a lot better, but I wanted to get started somewhere and to be there for anyone who fits with my style and place as I am right now. you guys are all amazing, thank you for encouraging me along.
Grieving 458 days later…
I have not mentioned Trek as much as I usually do lately. The months after Trek’s death were full of posts like this and this and this. And while I have found peace that Trek is ok (which was a huge issue for me), the pain is still the same, but shows differently. I would imagine it would be like someone who has learned to live with chronic pain. They still smile and laugh and live, but the pain is always there bubbling underneath the surface. I am always aware of just how near the surface it is when I cry every single time the second I am alone. I still have not gotten used to it, Jarrett takes the boys to get a treat or to the store or I am driving alone in the car and then I insta sob. I treasure it, I love it actually, its always so refreshing to have physical reminders of my love for Trek since that is all I have anymore.
Usually blue-eyed blonde haired toddler boys totally do me in. But last week a mom holding a 1 year old brown-haired little girl made me lose my breath and I almost doubled over. It is so strange to have such strong physical reactions to mental thoughts of Trek. She was holding her daughter up to see some fish in an aquarium and all I could see was me holding up Trek to see the fish. What a different life we would have had if he was still here.
Jackson (my 3 year old nephew who is 6 months older than Trek) came over yesterday. I went to get him some toys out and I only had big boy toys. Legos and toys a little too complicated for a 3 year old. So I went to get him a movie to watch and I did not have one animated movie in our case. We have a whole case of cartoons and Disney movies in our storage, but with us we have Nims Island and Mr. Magoriums Wonder Emporium, not exactly toddler flicks.
It shocked me and hurt me a little this little shift toward big boyhood when I am still the mother to a toddler. There is no way to reconcile this, and it sucks.
We are here in Texas starting a new and very exciting life. I feel change and goodness coming, I told Jarrett last night, I am excited for the things to come. This big part of me is evolving and growing and finding new joys in life, and then there is an equally big part that is still and never changing. It never will. It’s the part of me that is Trek’s mama. I cannot grow in that area, we are timeless. Him and me, 14 months and 28 years old. Part of me will always live there and be exactly as I was. A young mother completely in love with the smell, and sound, and beauty of her 3rd son and the all encompassing pain of losing him.
I love you so much Trek, and I miss you more than words could ever say.