That is exactly what I feel like right now in my brain-jumbly jumble. It makes no sense and is not even a word, but that is where I find myself. I have been plopped right down into “my life”. A life I do not recognize or know and most definitely did not get an introduction to.
How can you come from losing your baby, living abroad, and then starting completely over in an RV in a new state/city and not be all jumbled? Do I want to just sit and breathe, or run and play, or explore, or fix, or create, or teach, I have no idea where to start. So I have just been going. Not necesarilly with the flow though. I am usually a pro at knowing our family flow, but I have not been the pro the last few days.
Nothing bad has happened, I have not cried (well, a couple times over Trek, but that is “normal”), we are happy most of the minutes of the day, and life is good. But I am not quite sure where to start.
We are turning 30 in a couple of months, Jarrett and I. That seems big, that seems like any excuse I have ever had to get by is no longer relevant. I feel more confident than I have ever felt in my life. And beside the huge hole in my heart/days/life from Trek being gone, I am content. I have no huge looming desires. We have beautiful babies, I know more will come. We have travelled and I am ok being still for awhile. I lived 4 years on Maui, I live and breathe island life and here I am again on an island. I know what to do. But its different this time.
I am less one child, how do I start a new life without part of our family in it? A new season, a new place, but he should be here, how do I reconcile that?
Peyton and Conner are boys now. Jarrett told Peyton who Santa was today. It came up, and it not longer felt “ok” to continue the best lie ever, so I got out of the car with Conner, I could not listen (and it was not Conner’s time yet). I got teary as I watched Peyton’s mouth drop wide open and stay that way for a full minute. Peyton got out and gave me a big hug and told me thank you for telling me mom! OMG, seriously, was he ready?! its so silly, but I am so jumbled-I am a boob on such things.
Little League starts soon, new friends come by to play, I can’t meet all their moms, I can’t hear all the conversations. I am ok with it all, I am just sitting back, trying to absorb the newness, and “feel” where to go next on this mommy path.
So many choices-America has so many damn choices!!! Haha, it really is a good thing. This is why we are here, we chose this. Its never easy to transistion. Jarrett got used to my initial emotions when we moved to a new country. I always had a growing pain period. This one is just more interesting and thoughtful, its a longer stay. And so much newness. Its all good, just new and jumbled.
Does any of that make sense? Probably not, its really just a personal journal entry. There is no answer, or even a question, just an update on my mental state-happy, but jumbled and trying to sort out my new life.
There is good food here in Texas, that is helping with the newness. Lots of BBQ and Tex-Mex always does a heart good. The boys are totally settled. They ride their scooters for hours, they hop along for any ride, they make me happier than I ever dreamed possible. Jarrett and I went out on our first date in many moons. It was perfect. I laughed and fell in love all over again with him for the hundreth time.
I miss Trek. This ebbs and flows, and I on on the one that is bigger right now.
I was in the drive thru at Chick-fil-a. I started to cry in one of those moments when my love and longing for Trek overwhelms me. I looked up and a man was eating inside and watching me. I thought about what he must be thinking. If I had just fought with my husband or lost a friend, and if he should come help me. I kept thinking if there was anything he could do, if there was anything anyone could do. And there just wasn’t, it just is.
Does this all sound sad? I am not sad in these last few days, but I guess I am in transition. I drive along the seawall with the mist fogging up our windows and I can’t wait for this transition to pass so I can be the girl on the beach cruiser. I have loved this move and this RV renovation, but I am feeling the need for it to come to the end. We took huge steps this week in getting it completely care-free livable. I could live in a van by the river, but I have a vision for our new home and how to make it perfect for us, and it is getting there.
We got new faucets and chairs and a big bowl of fruit. I took newborn photos of Dawson, broke my camera, and took the boys for their first Texas BBQ. I will share it all soon, but I just wanted to plop all this out, this jumble.