While on facebook last night, I clicked on something by accident and this photo of Trek popped up. It made my heart skip a beat. I have seen it many times before, but it struck me. In that moment I was flooded and remembered the smell and feeling of his body, and the way I felt when I was around him so potently, like it was real life. Of course it wasn’t, and I felt myself compelled to kiss the computer screen, Jarrett does it to sometimes when Trek’s photo is up, it makes me sad, I know its sad, but we both do it.
Can’t you see how I felt like it was real life? He is looking right at me and I remember the way his nose felt to kiss with its patch of dry skin, the way his skinny arm felt to hold, it was so soft, how his hand grasped around my finger, the emotions I felt when he smiled at me: the deepest emotions, touching places no one has ever touched before, how I had to gently hold his body and make sure his knees did not bump into each other since he could not hold them up on his own. And for some reason this photo made me think of the day he died, and when life went from him and how I long for it back, everything was ok when he had life. I tell him that a lot, and whisper it into the air, “Trek, everything would be alright if you were here.”
But I don’t want to make this a sad post, even though tears are streaming down my face. I just needed to put some pictures up of him, it always warms my heart. I love, more than words can ever say, looking at photos of him and his beauty. I also like keeping up with my thoughts and feelings of my journey as Trek’s mother, what I feel today feels so normal and like it will never go away, but I know it will change and take many forms, and I want to remember all of it.
oh man-this picture! that smile melts me:)
Trek on mine and Jarrett’s sushi date:)Conner and Trek