I am sitting in the coffee shop all alone. Crying silent tears watching two families with two little ones. So chubby, so curious, so sweet, so alive. I put a new picture on my desktop, it did not come out right and it only showed Trek’s eyes, large, they filled up the entire screen. They did not look like the eyes of a baby, they could have been on the face of a handsome man. It took my breath away, he was suppose to become a man. I will have to wait a lifetime to touch him again.
I am trying to hold it together so I don’t alarm the other coffee drinkers. I am alone in this coffee shop, the boys are with Jarrett playing so I can finish the edit. I used to dream of this day. The day when I could go out by myself with no nursing babies at home to fill my breasts with a reminder I had to be back soon. The day when I could truly get lost in a project or my thoughts knowing my children were safe in someone else’s care for a few hours.
I dreamed of this day after I had earned my stripes.
It has been cut short, there is no sweetness in this aloneness.
Even 3 months after Trek has left my arms I still fill with milk when I think of him. Another reminder that I am alone with a cue to return home to no baby.
I was pregnant with Peyton 8 years ago, only 20 years old and living my dream. All I wanted was to be pregnant and barefoot, Jarrett couldn’t get me pregnant fast enough. I have not worked since then, always home, always mothering, feeding, caring, loving, rocking. I immersed myself in this world of mama. I wanted to be nowhere else, I don’t ever want anything else. Baby after baby after baby, pregnant and breastfeeding for 8 years, never a full margarita, never a full night away, never a second thought. It was me.
I knew this day would come. Trek would be 2 or maybe even 3 years old, my babies nurse forever. I would leave the big bag at home and put $20 in my pocket. I would open the driver side door and buckle only myself in the van. I would drive until I came to the spot, I would get out and sit and sip and read and laugh and talk. I would not worry for spilled milk or feeding someone other than me. I would just be.
The day has come, but it is not sweet.
I have not earned my stripes.
You are the sweetest and most passionate mother I have ever known….if only every mother and father were as loving to their children as you are, this world would be so much different. I appreciate you being real and raw ~ it’s you and it hurts my heart and soul that you are experiencing this pain. I do know this ~ you may not have been able to see the day that Trek stopped nursing, but you gave him so much since the day he was born ~ EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF YOU! My precious Chelsea, you have earned your stripes and so much more! I love you dearly and I continue praying for your emptiness and pain. I love all of you so very much and send bunches of hugs!
oh Aunt Jalene, that is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me, thank you. I love you too and can’t wait to see you again. I owe you a mountain of hugs for all of your support and I will buy you dinner for the week too-a bag of potatoes-you are a cheap date:)
I read your blog almost daily, and until you mention it- I forget how young this woman living through these words really is. You have been through so much and lived so much already in your 28 years! My child is grown, but you are an inspiration for me to think of each day and those in it as special and to live each day to the fullest. I wish I had realized when my child was young to grab more of each day-they grow up so fast. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and life.
thank you so much Bev for your thoughtful comment, that meant so much to me. I know sometimes I feel as young as I am, but sometimes I feel I have lived a lifetime of love with Trek. xoxo
You gave Trek the world. You are giving your boys the world. Your life and your writing are so inspiring to so many people. And I know, if you could, you’d turn the world upside down to have one more day tied down nursing him.
People always say things like that they could never have borne it that way you have, or that God won’t give you a challenge you can’t handle. But I think they don’t understand the truth about what that means. It doesn’t mean that God gives you challenges based on how strong you already are, so the people with the biggest challenges are actually the strongest.. I think it just means that after he gives you something that is too hard to bear, he somehow stretches you and makes you able to bear it. And you do get through, but barely, by the skin of your teeth.
Your post today has reminded me to cherish every moment with my children and never wish away the time we have together. Thank you for writing from your pain.
wow, thank you so much Robin for your sweet words. that means so much to me, some days I can barely stand the pain and want to collapse underneath it. I am so glad for Peyton and Conner, I have so much to live for still and they keep me going. thank you for always having a kind word to say. xoxo
My sweet sister, I still never understand why this happened..i think of you and how full of love you are and none of it seems right. You accomplished more in Trek’s sweet life than many will ever do with their children..you are the most amazing mama I know ( I always struggle to even find a word that fits you, I may have to come up with one, no word gives you enough credit). I cannot imagine your emptiness. I wish so badly that he was with you. I love you and wish it could just all go away! All I know is that the love you still continue to pour over Peyton and Conner each day is unheard of. I love you so much and miss you…wish i could hug you.
i know you can understand amanda, knowing you are there helps me more than you know. I love you
Chelsea, I want to such to comfort you and I know not how. Trek was taken from you and I know not why. But I know you have earned your stripes. No one has ever given so much love as you have. Your children will rise up and call blessed including Trek. You have a wonderful life ahead of you and the possibility of great things happening.I know the pain will go with you and will always be a part of your life but in time it will not be so raw. you have shown so many how to love by example and so many love you.Trek will be waiting for you with open a.rms when the time comes. A tremendous patience and faith is needed. I love all of you so much and wish I could ease your pain.
thank you so much Mawmaw, your words did comfort me, especially the part about Trek rising up to call me blessed, that made me smile, I cannot wait to hold him again. I love you
Other comments on this are filled with such truths, be kind to yourself. You HAVE earned your stripes, just not as many as you should have been allowed, that is so wrong and unfair. But know this, you are teaching people, without even trying to, how to earn theirs in the most beautiful way. You encourage people to be the best, to embrace life. Thankyou. That is no compensation but nothing can be, just remember you are amazing, you’re still living your dream, you are still a super-mama! xxxx
thank you so much emma, you are so sweet and thoughtful. xoxo
I’m so sorry. I hate that you have to go through this. I wish this day hadn’t come so soon for you either. Sending you many many hugs across the world.
it came way too soon. thank you for the hugs-xoxo
How you can bring me to tears expressing those thoughts all mamas have about me time and its bittersweetness for you is heartbreaking….thanks for the reminder to cherish every moment, as you truly did with Trek always in your arms.
thank you so much Tanya for taking the time to share that with me-it means so much-xoxo
Oh Chelsea, I wish I could give you a big hug!!!
thank you Amy-xoxo
Don’t think for a second you have not earned your stripes! Chelsea, you are the most amazing mother to your 3 precious sons. Your “freedom” came all too soon, and for that I am deeply sorry! I’m glad you have this blog to release your emotions into and am thankful you have chosen to share them with all of us. We are better mommies because of you:) (((hugs)))
you are so sweet Jen, it did come way to soon, I would trade it all for Trek in an instant. Thanks for reading and supporting me-xoxo
love, love, love reading your blogs. I am experiencing empty nest with my oldest at college, i have 2 others at home but it is not the same. Life is always changing, sometimes we like and sometimes it breaks our hearts. thinking of you.
Paula
thank you so much for reading Paula and for your kind comment, being a mama rips your heart out!!! I am focusing all I have on Peyton and Conner just soaking them up. much love, chelsea
I’m so sorry, Chelsea. It was a bittersweet coffee shop visit and I am thinking of you all.
Your Ohio friend,
Connie
thank you Ohio friend, I appreciate all of your kind comments-xoxo
You earn those stripes every day you go on, for Peyton, for Conner, for Jarrett and for Trek. You could crawl into that ditch I know I so often want to, but you don’t. And that earns you more stripes than any other act you can commit as a mother.
Sending many many MANY hugs!!!! Eileen
thank you so much Eileen, I wish we weren’t connected by pain, but I am glad I have met you. I think of you often-xoxo
Chelsea, I love you so much & I want so badly to be there to hold you & cry with you. My heart aches that your time with Trek was cut short. But you have definitely earned your stripes because, as Jalene said, you are the sweetest and most passionate mother I have ever known.
thank you so much mama, love you too, I cannot wait to see you again
Mama, you have earned your stripes and then some. You earned them through love, and grief, and living your dream. And sharing your story, and Trek’s, has made me more patient in my life and a better mom to my two year old. So they are some pretty big, bold stripes.
thank you for sharing about how we have affected you, that means so much to me. Your sweet 2 year old is lucky to have a mama that loves them so much. Thank you for your sweet comment-xoxo
Chelsea! I Love your heart. Like many said above, it is not like it should be, but you have earned your stripes 10 times over. Your love for Trek was full and complete. Always sending love to you guys
thank you so much friend-love you so much
The heart and soul feel what they feel despite our outward appearances. It is OK to feel as though you have not earned your stripes. You are traveling along a journey that most of us can not begin to imagine. You have, however, touched lives all over the world, in heaven, and certainly within your immediate family and that is no small accomplishment. The stripes you have earned may not be visible to you, but we see them. I wish you peace and comfort in those moments like you describe.
thank you so much Elizabeth, you always say very touching things and they mean a lot to me. xoxo
I am middle school friends with your sister in law Amanda. I love reading your blog and saw this quote the other day and thought of you. “The sweeter his gift, the more anxious God is for it’s return”. Hope you find some peace in that.
thank you so much amanda for that sweet quote and for reading our story-xoxo
It is true, Chelsea. You have earned your stripes and you will continue to earn them. A heart as full of love and beauty as yours cannot help but do so. I echo Elizabeth – I wish nothing but peace and comfort for you those sad, sad times.
thank you so much CAthy-xoxo
As always, your blogs always come when I need them the most. I believe you have earned your stripes, my friend.
You are the most amazing and strongest mom I know. Trek was blessed to have you as his Mama…and you are blessed to have the amazing family that you have. I can’t imagine how much you and your boys miss sweet Trek. Lots of love from the Veronis.
thank you so much Marie, you are so sweet. I am happy for you this week as you enjoy your family on your vacation, I know you are making such special memories-xoxo
Heart wrenching. I hope
My tears when reading this took one or two tears off of your heavy burden. You inspire me.
Xo
Christel
thank you so much Cristel, it does help a little to know others are crying with me. much love, Chelsea
I have come and read your blog on and off in the last couple of months. I am so sorry your darling boy is not in your arms now as he should be, that aching sensation of wanting to hold and cuddle and feed him, I know all too well. My daughter was stillborn 2 1/2 years ago and those first 12 months after she died were full of so much yearning. I love how you write, you are full of so much love and the short but incredibly happy life Trek led was thanks to you and your families awesome radiating love. It’s the love that hurts, the love for your baby, it is the depth of your joy that takes you to the depth of sorrow (I remember reading that a while back, Kahlil Gribran I think). Your stripes are beautiful~ they are more rich and vibrant and full of depth~ never forget that. Every time I read about you missing your little guy, I sob out loud, deep, snot filled, buckets of tears, there is so much love and empathy and compassion for your path, I just hope sometimes it helps take some of the loneliness away, although I know nothing but your dear little man will do that. xoxox Bree (Australia)
that is such a kind note Bree, and yes it does help to know that others mourn and feel my loss with me, thank you for sharing all of that with me and how you cried with me. It makes me feel loved and thankful for all my friends that I have met through this website. xoxo ,Chelsea