I am sitting in the coffee shop all alone. Crying silent tears watching two families with two little ones. So chubby, so curious, so sweet, so alive. I put a new picture on my desktop, it did not come out right and it only showed Trek’s eyes, large, they filled up the entire screen. They did not look like the eyes of a baby, they could have been on the face of a handsome man. It took my breath away, he was suppose to become a man. I will have to wait a lifetime to touch him again.
I am trying to hold it together so I don’t alarm the other coffee drinkers. I am alone in this coffee shop, the boys are with Jarrett playing so I can finish the edit. I used to dream of this day. The day when I could go out by myself with no nursing babies at home to fill my breasts with a reminder I had to be back soon. The day when I could truly get lost in a project or my thoughts knowing my children were safe in someone else’s care for a few hours.
I dreamed of this day after I had earned my stripes.
It has been cut short, there is no sweetness in this aloneness.
Even 3 months after Trek has left my arms I still fill with milk when I think of him. Another reminder that I am alone with a cue to return home to no baby.
I was pregnant with Peyton 8 years ago, only 20 years old and living my dream. All I wanted was to be pregnant and barefoot, Jarrett couldn’t get me pregnant fast enough. I have not worked since then, always home, always mothering, feeding, caring, loving, rocking. I immersed myself in this world of mama. I wanted to be nowhere else, I don’t ever want anything else. Baby after baby after baby, pregnant and breastfeeding for 8 years, never a full margarita, never a full night away, never a second thought. It was me.
I knew this day would come. Trek would be 2 or maybe even 3 years old, my babies nurse forever. I would leave the big bag at home and put $20 in my pocket. I would open the driver side door and buckle only myself in the van. I would drive until I came to the spot, I would get out and sit and sip and read and laugh and talk. I would not worry for spilled milk or feeding someone other than me. I would just be.
The day has come, but it is not sweet.
I have not earned my stripes.