I have a ritual that I do when I am missing Trek. I do it whereever I am at whatever time of day. I close my eyes and I start at his toes. I imagine exactly what they looked like and how his foot felt cupped in my hand. I remember his skinny little legs and the soft blonde hair on them. I go up to his knee and smile at how round and cute they looked in the middle of his thin legs. I remember his tiniest butt and his round belly. I can feel exactly how it felt beneath my lips since I would gently kiss his tummy all day long. I imagine how his shoulders looked at the top of his body and ran into his soft neck. Then I get to his perfect face, I think of his lips and how even though he was so small his lips were still so full, I remember how he tasted. I think of his nose and look deep into his eyes. My mind stays here the longest, pictures meshed with memories of how deep and beautiful his eyes were. I stare into them for as long as I want, then I run my hand over his blonde hair and I can recall exactly how it felt.

I end with a smile and a curse at how I remember dreading this day, the day when I would only have memories to hold and not my baby.

I was laying here tonight imagining my sweet boy. I opened my eyes and started to talk to Trek. The only thing I could get out was that “Trek, you will be in my heart”. It was from somewhere very deep and organic, it was my heart speaking. It naturally made me think of my favorite song for my Trek, the mother’s lullaby I sang him every day. The Tarzan theme song, “You’ll be in my heart” says exactly how I feel about Trek. I would dance with Trek when he was alive and sob into his neck knowing that one day soon that he would be gone, I would sing the words to both of us. The song is on our ipod and I usually change it when it comes on, it is much too raw to hear it. It however, is Conner’s favorite song, if he is in the room he won’t let me change it, he sings it for Trek.

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don’t you cry

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
can’t be broken
I will be here
Don’t you cry

‘Cause you’ll be in my heart
Yes, you’ll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

You’ll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You’ll be here
in my heart always

I used to watch Tarzan before Trek was sick and the opening scenes horrified me. I knew the love of the mother and her baby. I knew I would die for mine just to spare them a moments pain. My fear: I would not be given the chance.

I wasn’t

I will never be able to get over that. Shouldn’t a love this strong be given a chance? Shouldn’t I be given the right to fight?

I was driving on the moped and the scenery mixed with my circumstances reminded me of the scene in Tarzan when Kala the gorilla hears Tarzan cry and saves him right after her own baby is killed. I sometimes imagine I will happen upon Trek on our travels, that as we are going about I will hear his cry from somewhere and run to him and find him. I know it is silly, I know it won’t happen, but the thought comes just the same.

My heart begs for him all the day long.