It has been 2 months since Trek died. I was thinking today about if my mom came to visit us one day here in Thailand and I imagined her giving me a hug when I saw her. I wondered would it be because she was happy to see me or would it be for the loss of my baby? Then I realized. I have not gotten one hug for Trek. Jarrett, of course, I have sobbed to and hugged and snuggled more than ever, but a hug from a dear friend or family, not one. We have not seen one familiar face since sweet Trek left us.

We had a feeling we would want to be alone, that is why we made sure Trek saw all his friends and family while he was still alive. We wanted them to remember him alive and happy, not in death. So when the moment came I was very thankful for the distance. It had nothing to do with anyone but myself. Our family and friends are amazing, they would have done all the right things. I would not of though. I would have laughed when I should have cried or cried when I should have laughed. I would have driven myself crazy making sure everyone around me knew how much I missed Trek.

Here, on the other side of the world, with no friends and family, in a place they do not speak my language, I grieved. and still do. I cried in the market and out to dinner, I even sobbed in the street and no one noticed or cared. It was and is so freeing. I could just heal and be exactly what I wanted to be at the moment. I laughed when I wanted to and cried when I wanted to. I laid in bed, I went to a waterfall, I never planned a funeral, I looked at pictures, I had to get out 3 times a day to get our meals, I had to be myself and love Trek just like I wanted without any outside influences. Jarrett and the boys were just there loving me and crying with me, it was and still is so beautiful and peaceful.

I am reading a book series just for fun and the second book “Speaker for the Dead” (its not a grieving book, its just a fiction book with a name I just noticed is totally or not so totally coincidental) had a chapter that really stood out to me. It is a fiction book about a future society, I wanted a fun/interesting book to get lost in and Jarrett recommended them to me. The father in the book loses his daughter to a plague, many people of the society were dying from this plague, most of them lost a child. The father recounted his daughter’s funeral and how he felt and I felt a familiar feeling as I read it. It said perfectly what happened with me when Trek died and why I felt whole and fulfilled even though I am so many miles from anyone I know…

“As he sat, knelt, stood there with his wife and surviving children, he had felt the perfect unity of the people in the Cathedral. He knew that his pain was everybody’s pain, that through the loss of his eldest daughter he was bound to his community with the inseparable bonds of grief, and it was a comfort to him, it was something to cling to. 

That is what grief ought to be, a public mourning”

I felt like Trek’s death was a public mourning and it comforted me.

I was able to come to my journal of Trek’s life and to everyone who has come on this journey with us to find peace. I knew that throughout the world people were crying with us and that is all I needed. I knew Trek was loved and so were we.

Since so many people shared Trek’s story the day he died, more people now than ever read about our family journey. Even weeks after his death thousands more than even in his life come to this place,  even when there are so many other places to go, to support us and love us and continue this journey with our family.

I just wanted to say thank you. The world did not stop when Trek died, it actually kept humming right along and it gave me peace. I just went along with it and let myself get lost in the love and loss. I still am and it feels good. To come here everyday and share my heart and have people respond with love and kindness is so rare in this world. I can honestly say that I have not had one rude comment about our journey with Trek in the last 7 months, that is priceless. I only get photos, emails, gifts, and love. This truly has been a safe place for me.

Thank you so much for joining me in mourning for Trek

the day I lost my baby