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It has been 2 months since Trek died. I was thinking today about if my mom came to visit us one day here in Thailand and I imagined her giving me a hug when I saw her. I wondered would it be because she was happy to see me or would it be for the loss of my baby? Then I realized. I have not gotten one hug for Trek. Jarrett, of course, I have sobbed to and hugged and snuggled more than ever, but a hug from a dear friend or family, not one. We have not seen one familiar face since sweet Trek left us.
We had a feeling we would want to be alone, that is why we made sure Trek saw all his friends and family while he was still alive. We wanted them to remember him alive and happy, not in death. So when the moment came I was very thankful for the distance. It had nothing to do with anyone but myself. Our family and friends are amazing, they would have done all the right things. I would not of though. I would have laughed when I should have cried or cried when I should have laughed. I would have driven myself crazy making sure everyone around me knew how much I missed Trek.
Here, on the other side of the world, with no friends and family, in a place they do not speak my language, I grieved. and still do. I cried in the market and out to dinner, I even sobbed in the street and no one noticed or cared. It was and is so freeing. I could just heal and be exactly what I wanted to be at the moment. I laughed when I wanted to and cried when I wanted to. I laid in bed, I went to a waterfall, I never planned a funeral, I looked at pictures, I had to get out 3 times a day to get our meals, I had to be myself and love Trek just like I wanted without any outside influences. Jarrett and the boys were just there loving me and crying with me, it was and still is so beautiful and peaceful.
I am reading a book series just for fun and the second book “Speaker for the Dead” (its not a grieving book, its just a fiction book with a name I just noticed is totally or not so totally coincidental) had a chapter that really stood out to me. It is a fiction book about a future society, I wanted a fun/interesting book to get lost in and Jarrett recommended them to me. The father in the book loses his daughter to a plague, many people of the society were dying from this plague, most of them lost a child. The father recounted his daughter’s funeral and how he felt and I felt a familiar feeling as I read it. It said perfectly what happened with me when Trek died and why I felt whole and fulfilled even though I am so many miles from anyone I know…
“As he sat, knelt, stood there with his wife and surviving children, he had felt the perfect unity of the people in the Cathedral. He knew that his pain was everybody’s pain, that through the loss of his eldest daughter he was bound to his community with the inseparable bonds of grief, and it was a comfort to him, it was something to cling to.
That is what grief ought to be, a public mourning”
I felt like Trek’s death was a public mourning and it comforted me.
I was able to come to my journal of Trek’s life and to everyone who has come on this journey with us to find peace. I knew that throughout the world people were crying with us and that is all I needed. I knew Trek was loved and so were we.
Since so many people shared Trek’s story the day he died, more people now than ever read about our family journey. Even weeks after his death thousands more than even in his life come to this place, even when there are so many other places to go, to support us and love us and continue this journey with our family.
I just wanted to say thank you. The world did not stop when Trek died, it actually kept humming right along and it gave me peace. I just went along with it and let myself get lost in the love and loss. I still am and it feels good. To come here everyday and share my heart and have people respond with love and kindness is so rare in this world. I can honestly say that I have not had one rude comment about our journey with Trek in the last 7 months, that is priceless. I only get photos, emails, gifts, and love. This truly has been a safe place for me.
Thank you so much for joining me in mourning for Trek
the day I lost my baby
I am always in awe of you and forever inspired. Thank you for all that you are…
I love that Trek is still celebrated. He is and will always be part of our world, everyones world. He will always be part of your family.
Our youngest has a lot of Tattoos from when we purchased them (along with other Trek goodies). The other day he gave them to two other boys in the caravan park we are staying in.
So now Kyle plus two more are running around here with “Embrace Life” on their arms. It made my smile bigger, and warmed my heart because I could imagine baby Trek running along side them.
I think you are and your family are gorgeous xxxx
oh Lisa, that is so sweet. tell Kyle thanks for sharing his toys, what a kind boy:) thank you for always supporting us and loving our family and leaving kind comments, they make my day. xoxo, Chelsea
So beautifully said as always! It has been our privilege to follow along. You are brave to bare your heart and soul here like you do! Hugs from across the border;)
thanks Mary, I really appreciate you and your friendship. xoxo
Oh Chelsea – there are no words. Just gratitude that we have helped create a safe place for you and continuing awe at the power of one tiny life.
thank you Cathy, I meant every word, all the people who have come here have mean so much to me
That picture brings back those same feelings I had when I got the call from your Aunt Jalene that morning. My heart aches for you, but I know you will be ok b/c you are such a strong woman! I thank you so much for sharing your story, you don’t know the impact you have had on us! I hope you continue to enjoy your travels with your boys & mourn as you wish!
xoxo
that day was such a nightmare, the hardest day of my life. I miss him so much, it still seems like something went so wrong and I should be able to fix it. thank you for all your love and support, it means so much to me. xoxo
I can’t even imagine those feelings & hate that you have to feel them! I am so very happy to support you guys y’all are amazing people…the world could learn alot from y’all! xoxo
thank you Danielle, I have you to thank for so much of our support. much love
many, many hugs & kisses are sent to you across the water. You & your family have so many loving you & praying for you. We can’t be there in body but you know we are there in spirit hugging you tightly thru the days ahead. Trek was/is such a beautiful grandson that touched many lives and taught us to Embrace Life. He will always be w/us.
thank you so much granny. I know you are there and love us so much, thank you for all you have done and for all of yours and granddaddy’s love. we love you so much.
I have been honored to follow Trek and your whole family’s journey. I feel like I should be thanking you, not the other way around. Many of your entries give me reason to pause throughout my day and think about what is important and what is not and to make time for the people I hold dearest, namely my two little people, my son and daughter
My prayers and thoughts remain with you and your remarkable family. It truly is amazing how one very loved and very special baby can change a person’s outlook on life. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey!
Chelsea,
Thank you for sharing your experiences with so many others. Our tiny little community of NPA families has but a handful of “voices.” It is so important to share perspectives, ideas, and ultimately inspiration. There is no right or wrong way to handle things. You give others the power and strength to follow their hearts. Your family truly has chosen “the road less traveled,” and I know many people are inspired by you. We certainly are.
With Love,
The Glassmans
i am so blessed to know you thru ur journey and to know sweet beautiful Trek. i think of him at least once a day i check my email daily too see what yall are up to. we miss him so badly and love u all so much my thoughts and prayers r with you all daily! this was such a beautiful post chelsea and the pictures are breathtaking and broke my heart im so very sorry and wished i could help take ur pain away me being a mommy to 3 as well and having a 15 month old i could never imagine the depth of grief u all suffer . he is always with you all as are we! thank you for your inspiring beautiful blog and this beautiful post. we love you all sweet ingrams!
You are a precious soul. It is those of us who are following your journey that give thanks to you for sharing it. It makes my heart smile to know that this place, this journal, is a safe place for you. Everyone should have that and I’m glad that you do.
Oh Chelsea…like the previous comment, I should thank you for sharing your little angel with us. And like my husband said in your other post, your journey has been a positive influence in my life. We are all here for you, eventhough we only know you through your blog. we have cried with you, cried for you, laughed with you, went on great adventures with you, learned with you. Trek will forever be loved and remembered. Everyday I thank God for coming across your blog. Much love!
Hugs!! A wonderful post and enlightening way to approach such a devastating loss. All our best as we too mourn your sweet angel.
I love your words and how freely you share them, it helps me as your sister soo far away to know your emotions, yes I would do anything to give you that hug or be with you and cry with you, but I am happy you are there grieving in your very own way. Trek is so beautiful and perfect and I picture his every feature each day and smile. He has change me forever. Love and miss you all!
I love those books! I’m assuming you are meaning the Orson Scott Card series. Chealse I don’t even know you but I have to thank you sincerely for your openness. Trek opened my eyes to life! He still does everyday. I heard his name the other night coming from my little boys room. I of course had to stick my head in appearantly a character from the kids show Dino Dans name is Trek. At that moment my 2 yr old invited me into his “car”. He was pretending his comforter that was wrapped around him was a car and he wanted mommy to ride with him! It was an amazing moment because Thomas is still learning to talk and we were having a conversation! If I had not heard Treks name I might have missed that moment.
yes its the Orson scott card book:) they are soo good! Thank you for sharing that story of your boys! that made my whole night, what a beautiful memory you made with him, he will always remember those times that you played with him, I am glad Trek was a part of it in a little way. xoxo
Yes like all the other post above, thank you for allowing perfect strangers along with you to follow in your joys and heartaches. I am a mom of three boys and I read your blog everyday. I cry with you and hug my boys extra tight! Your baby Trek is so beautiful and what a loving life he experienced until the time he met and was held by Jesus! I pray you will find comfort in all your memories you made with your sweet baby!
I do find joy in the memories,I am so thankful for them since that is all I have now. I would give my life to have him again in my arms. I am soo happy for you having 3 sons-you understand my joy and pains-I am partial to little boys-3 sons rock!:) thank you for following our story and keeping up with us and for your kind compliments about our sweet Trek. I agree with my whole heart, he is so beautiful. xoxo
that second to last picture of you embracing Trek is heartbreakingly beautiful. if you ever travel through north carolina, i’d love to hug you for Trek. love you my friend. courtney
thank you Courtney, we will definately travel through North Carolina one day, I will take you up on that hug when we do. Thank you thoughtful words-xoxo
Chelsea—This was certainly a beautiful post, so brave of you to open up with such courage. You say how everybody has helped you, but I continue to be helped and guided by your strength, as it seems everybody else has too.
thank you Jannette, that means so much to me when people say that. I am glad to give back a little of what has been given to us. much love
Sending you a hug right now…those pictures break my heart! I’m so happy you have this safe outlet!
thanks Lacy for the hug
thinking of you and your sweet family every day, Chelsea! That picture of you with Trek took my breath away. I was just sharing his story with my sister this past weekend, and talking about what an incredible family you are. Thank you for sharing your heart with us!
it takes my breath away too, I remember that moment so vividly, it was the most intense moment of my life-I wish that pain on no one. thank you for sharing our story, that means a lot to me. much love, Chelsea
What a lovely post! Lots of love and prayers for continued healing.
thanks aunt jalene, we will take all the love and prayers we can get
Thank you for sharing your most intimate feelings with us Chelsea. Trek has made an incredible impact and memory in our lives – partly because of how much you have loved him. I so wish I were there to give you that hug of a close family/friend that you long for. There’s nothing like a hug from those who love you. We all miss you and love you all.
thank you Tammie, I know I will get that hug from you one day. thanks for being there for me even over the miles-love you too
Chelsea, I am so glad you have found freedom to grieve. You said it so well….how few of us are able to respond honestly without worry over others or worry over our responses. You communicate honestly and clearly and Chelsea that blesses so many of us who would love to hug you because we miss you and hug you for Trek. The picture of you holding sweet Trek, your baby, takes part of my breath away. I am so sorry. I love you friend, Shannon
that is so sweet Shannon, your words (as always) warm my heart and give me strength. No one is ever prepared to know how to act when you lose a child, I am thankful for all the support and love we have so that we can figure it out in love and peace. I love you too, xoxo
thank you Peggy, wow 4 children-what a blessing! I can imagine the only thing better than 3 babies would be 4:) I hope to join you one day. thank you for your kind words and for all your sweet comments-xoxo
Your posts are so inspirational and filled with so much love…again, thank you SO much for sharing with us!
thank you so much Ruth, that is so sweet and nice of you to say-xoxo
As I look at the picture of you holding Trek, my heart aches. I know exactly what is going on there and I remember all too well.
I wished many times I could have hidden away when I was new in my grief. I was on display though in so many ways. But I am really grateful that when I needed it most, I could escape and hide away from the world. I don’t really have that option any more and, while I don’t need it very often, it would be nice sometimes – like right now.
Love you all so much.
oh Kim, I wish we were connected for another reason. no one should lose their baby. I am so sorry, I know the day you wrote this was a hard one. I thought about you all day, I miss and mourn for you baby girl along with you. sending you so much love, Chelsea
I never saw this post before…dont remember seeing the photo of you holding Trek, the day he died. Oh.my.Lord…the way your back bends, to curl around him. All I want to do is send loads of love to you five, but especially you and Trek. You have brought Trek alive to me, and I will always have some Trek in my heart…forever. I wish you never had to write a post like this, but I am astounded at your ability to articulate it. You honor him, you truly honor him…and I am so thankful you share your journey with all of us. XO
I was thinking of this photo of you two again…came to see it. I am sobbing. I am so glad Trek finds you at night. I am just so.very.sorry you have to hurt like this, Chelsea, it breaks my heart for you.
thank you, as always, Meg for saying the sweetest things. xoxo
Yesterday morning I read about Quinn’s List on people.com. From there I noticed Trek’s unique name and entered your blog. I have been entranced by your family story. I have been reading from his birth in the driveway up until the point if this post almost non-stop. My phone has died several times and I anxiously wait for it to charge up so I can read more about your journey. I have 3 children as well and my heart is completely for them, my husband, and now my grandbaby. The love you gave Trek throughout his short time with you is awe inspiring. Your travels more brave than I could imagine for myself. I have never written on a blog like this but, I have been so touched I just had to say Thank You fir all you shared. God Bless You, your beautiful heart, and your wonderful family.