We are back in Thailand. It has been really hard on me. Almost as soon as we crossed the border from Laos to Thailand the scenery changed, literally. The buildings were nicer, the picture of the King was on every building and everyone was speaking Thai (obviously).
It all reminded me of Trek.
I have been on the verge of tears at any moment of the last few days and many times I have given in. We went to the mall yesterday here in Udon Thani, Thailand. It was exactly like the mall we visited in Phuket with Trek, in Phuket where he died. It hit me like a wall. The smells, the sounds, the views and then everyone had babies, everyone was happy. I wanted my baby so bad.
less than 2 months ago in Thailand
The mall had a Gymboree baby play center. It was full of little developmental fun toys and a soft play ground just tiny enough for toddlers. I stared in the window just imagining me and Trek playing there together. I imagined his brothers helping through the baby jungle gym and making him laugh.
We got to our amazing hotel with a pool, playground, ping pong table and tennis courts, the boys are having so much fun, I want to be too. I saw a little perfect boy at the front in the owner’s arms. I remember the boys when they were that age, and as soon as I saw that sweet little boy I knew he was 16 months old, he was. He was born the same week as Trek. Trek should have been 16 months old too.
Everywhere I look there are babies in their mamas arms. It makes me lose my breath and I can literally feel my heart skip a beat. My arms feel so empty and lifeless at my side.
I told Jarrett today that the day that Trek was born I knew it was too perfect. I had 3 happy little boys, I loved the space between their ages. We were going to have another baby right after Trek, so he would have a special playmate like Peyton and Conner were to each other. It was so perfect, he was so perfect.
So much has been lost. Not only have we lost our baby we cannot have more as we had planned since they also might have NPA. We can always do IVF and hope to one day, but its not the easy way, the way I had dreamed it up.
My heart is heavy and my head is spinning the last 48 hours. Peyton and Conner make the world go around even when it feels like it has stopped. They still laugh and cry and play and need to eat, and they still need their mama.
I am being propelled forward when I want to curl up and die. I want to lay and think of Trek. I close my eyes and I think of his little body. I think of every single part of him and how beautiful he was. I stare into his little face that is emblazened in my mind and I am so happy and crushed at the exact same moment. I look to the heavens and all around so many times throughout the day, just wondering where he is. I want to be with him. I miss him so much.
oh sweet Trek
I am embracing this time, it feels good to mourn him.
you can only miss what you continue to love
OH Chelsea, my heart breaks for you! I wish you could have him back, I can’t even imagine the emptiness that you feel each day. It’s ok to cry, I can’t imagine NOT doing so! I wish things would have happened so differently for your guys you are amazing people! Trek is smiling down on you, I hope you can find some comfort in that. (((Huggs)))
thank you Danielle-xoxo
Oh Chelsea, I know you miss him more than anything and I can only imagine how painful it still is and will be for a long, long time. You’re right, he was perfect and beautiful. I love you so much.
love you too mama
Oh Chelsea, I am so sad for you. But like you said I think it is part of the whole process that you must go through. I wish I were there to give you big hugs and help with the boys. I know my boys would love them! Meet us in Penang in a couple weeks:) Love, peace, and serenity to you all!
thank you Mary, we would meet you in Penang, i know we would have fun, but you have lured us to Pai with your amazing blog posts:)
You are a beautiful and loving soul, sweet Chelsea. Mourn, grieve, laugh, cry, love….do all those things you do best. Yes, Peyton & Conner need their Mommy, but you fit everything in so perfectly. You give them time, but also take time for you…that’s important. I wish Trek was still in your arms, also. I love you and pray for you continually.
thank you Aunt Jalene, that is so sweet that you think that of me-it means a lot. xoxo
Still doesn’t seem real, every part of him was perfect, you are right. I will be driving down the road or sitting in the cabin and just think of him and tears start to come because it just does not seem fair that he was taken from you all. I am so sorry Chelsea. The love you have for each Peyton and Conner I know will keep you going, but I am glad you are able to mourn how you need to in each moment. Im so glad you have Jarrett as your rock and P and C to keep you laughing and smiling. I want to hug you!:( I love and miss you lots! Wish I could take away even an ounce of your pain.
thanks amanda, he loved you so much too
Trek is part of everything you do, everything you see, every person you meet. Embrace the pain and the tears, they are healing…although you never completely heal.
you are right Jill, he is apart of all that we see everyday, we can feel him. xoxo
Oh how I wish you still had sweet smelling Trek cuddled up to you eating “milkies”, you will forever have that memory, and the love that you both shared for one another is breathtaking! You will see him again someday, the Lord promises so. My heart is heavy for you Chelsea.
me too Jen. i miss his snuggles and milkies so much
What a perfect sentence at the end, you will of course always love and miss Trek.. Your post reminded me of a quote I have read that made me think of your family – ‘We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey’ ~ Kenji Miyazawa.
xx
Though your pain must be intolerable, you are on a journey that Trek inspired, keep going, he will be so honoured and proud
thank you so much. I love that quote and i believe it b/c i can feel its truth. xoxo
My heart breaks for you reading this. Trek was a sweet sweet boy and we all loved him very much. I wish I can give you all big hugs.
thank you so much Jen, i know you loved him too and that means so much to me
Thank you for so beautifully expressing the pain you are feeling. It helps me remember what those times were like right after we lost our daughter, Jamie. Just seeing someone with a baby girl. To this day, 13 years later. Every 13 year old girl I see makes me wonder what my little girl would have been like at this age. I miss those events that we would have shared. Thanks for your openness.
I am so sorry you lost your baby too Don. no one should ever have to experience this pain. Thank you for your encouragement and your kind words. much love, Chelsea
Oh dear Chelsea – my heart grieves for you so. Not that words help all that much, but I will say again what I said to Shannon earlier today. How can there not be days like this? The sad moments are as much a part of keeping your bond with Trek as the happy ones. Today I found this beautiful post and it immediately made me think of Trek and of Wylder and Kaitlyn – they are “ONES” in my life and so many others. Much love to you.
ONE
One tree can start a forest;
One smile can begin a friendship;
One hand can lift a soul;
One word can frame the goals;
One candle can wipe out the darkness;
One laugh can conquer gloom;
One hope can raise your spirits;
One touch can show you care;
One life can make the difference.
Be that ONE today.
wow, Cathy, that is so beautiful. thank you for sharing that. much love, Chelsea
Chelsea,I am so sorry you are missing your beautiful boy, I have never had to walk the path you are on,but my heart breaks for you.I pray daily specifically for your empty arms.I know there is nothing that can possibly fill that void.
thank you so much Karen
Chelsea, My heart is breaking for you…I never met Trek in person, but feel like I have because of the beautiful photos and stories you have shared, He was beautiful… t I can’t imagine the emptiness you are feeling. I pray that you find peace and comfort ….
he is so beautiful and precious, i am so glad you came to know and love him through his stories and photos. thank you for your prayers and sweet words. much love, Chelsea
Holding you in prayer, Chelsea.
thank you so much
Love you Chelsea!
love you too Tammie
Hadn’t gotten spare moment to read about all of your recent adventures. My y’all have been busy. Y’all are stlll in my thoughts daily and am constantly sending love your way. Bug hugs
haha, about the bug hugs:) thanks for keeping up with us-xoxo
That was supposed to say big hugs not bug hugs yuck:)
My heart is aching for you. It is not fair that he was taken from you. Im in tears looking at his sweet face. I feel like I know all of you and feel your loss deep in my heart. Im so sorry and I know you cherish all the sweet memories you have of trek. praying always. Xoxo
thank you for taking this journey with us Christy, it means so much to know how much he is loved. xoxo
Chelsea- I’m sending you hugs from a mom who can’t even begin to imagine your sorrow but pray you find the peace and comfort you need to keep going. I hope your heart continues to heal and lets the loving memories ease your pain. May God bless and keep you and your sweet family.
thank you so much Laura for your words and your prayers. much love, Chelsea
My heart aches for you. I am just so sorry for your arms that feel empty. I am glad you are free to mourn. I am so glad you have your sweet husband and boys by your side. I am glad you look to the heavens. I love you friend and continue to pray.
thank you so much Shannon, my heart aches so much too. i know you are there if I ever need to talk, I treasure our friendship. love ,Chelsea
Sending lots of love and hugs your way. He was so perfect, and he still should be here. Wish I could take your pain away, wish it was all different. Know that he is loved, will be remembered and forever with you all (as well as our family ~ we speak of him often)
xxx
thank you Lisa, that means so much that you love and talk about our sweet boy-much love Chelsea
I know it. I know it. I know it.
Emma died at my in-laws house. It will be 9 years on August 23, I still have a hard time at their house.
I promised it gets easier. It won’t always be so hard. Take this time to grieve though. You need it. You need to feel all of this now.
You all are so very loved. Sending prayers heavenward for you. xoxo
thank you Kim, that means a lot for you to encourage my grief. I agree, I know it won’t always be this potent and it is good to mourn for him. He is so special and I miss him so much-xoxo
Oh chelsea, I am so sorry. I wish I could take all your pain away too … Give you a big hug and put your beautiful baby right back in your arms. I am so glad for you that Peyton and Connor are there to pick you up … Remind you of the wonderful mother you are and that they have their health. We love you all. Xxoo
thank you so much Shannon, i wish the same for you. I agree, I am so thankful for Peyton and Conner, they are so full of life and it is contagious-xoxo
My heart just ached for you as I read this. I just wish that you could feel Trek in your arms again. I always pray that you will feel him close and know he is watching over you. I read a quote that said mourning is one of the pursst expressions of deep love and it reminded me of you. You love so deeply. Know that there are so many people thinking of you and praying for you.
i feel like that too Natalie that me mourning him is me loving him, i can’t imagine feeling any other way