We are back in Thailand. It has been really hard on me. Almost as soon as we crossed the border from Laos to Thailand the scenery changed, literally. The buildings were nicer, the picture of the King was on every building and everyone was speaking Thai (obviously).

It all reminded me of Trek.

I have been on the verge of tears at any moment of the last few days and many times I have given in.  We went to the mall yesterday here in Udon Thani, Thailand. It was exactly like the mall we visited in Phuket with Trek, in Phuket where he died. It hit me like a wall. The smells, the sounds, the views and then everyone had babies, everyone was happy. I wanted my baby so bad.

less than 2 months ago in Thailand

The mall had a Gymboree baby play center. It was full of little developmental fun toys and a soft play ground just tiny enough for toddlers. I stared in the window just imagining me and Trek playing there together. I imagined his brothers helping through the baby jungle gym and making him laugh.

We got to our amazing hotel with a pool, playground, ping pong table and tennis courts, the boys are having so much fun, I want to be too. I saw a little perfect boy at the front in the owner’s arms. I remember the boys when they were that age, and as soon as I saw that sweet little boy I knew he was 16 months old, he was. He was born the same week as Trek. Trek should have been 16 months old too.

Everywhere I look there are babies in their mamas arms. It makes me lose my breath and I can literally feel my heart skip a beat. My arms feel so empty and lifeless at my side.

I told Jarrett today that the day that Trek was born I knew it was too perfect. I had 3 happy little boys, I loved the space between their ages. We were going to have another baby right after Trek, so he would have a special playmate like Peyton and Conner were to each other. It was so perfect, he was so perfect.

So much has been lost. Not only have we lost our baby we cannot have more as we had planned since they also might have NPA. We can always do IVF and hope to one day, but its not the easy way, the way I had dreamed it up.

My heart is heavy and my head is spinning the last 48 hours. Peyton and Conner make the world go around even when it feels like it has stopped. They still laugh and cry and play and need to eat, and they still need their mama.

I am being propelled forward when I want to curl up and die. I want to lay and think of Trek. I close my eyes and I think of his little body. I think of every single part of him and how beautiful he was. I stare into his little face that is emblazened in my mind and I am so happy and crushed at the exact same moment. I look to the heavens and all around so many times throughout the day, just wondering where he is. I want to be with him. I miss him so much.

oh sweet Trek

I am embracing this time, it feels good to mourn him.

you can only miss what you continue to love