from the moment Trek was born Conner was head over heels in love. I had worried about how Conner would do with a new baby in the house, he had been the baby for 4 years all by himself. My worry was for nothing, Conner was the perfect big brother. He stood guard over Trek and Conner remembered his own nursing days well and told me every time Trek made a squeak that he must need “milkies”.

The last 14 months with Trek, Conner was always close by to kiss him or ask to hold him. Many times I found Trek with Conner snuggled close showing him a baby toy or smothering him with lovin. Everywhere we went Conner would get peoples’ attention and tell them, “look at my baby!”. He was so proud to be a big brother. He was a good one.

I found myself worried about Conner again when we found out Trek would die. A dear friend told me it was hard to grieve for her lost child, but it was harder still to watch her children grieve for their little brother. I was not anxious to experience the same.

Conner did not cry when Trek died, he was very matter of fact, he told us all day that Trek was dead, what 5 year old can comprehend such a thing? it broke my heart that he had to try. He cried when he found out Trek was going to die, the day Trek turned 1 year old. he cried for almost an hour. It breaks my heart to watch Conner grieve. As a mama I can see it daily, not always through tears, we humans have so many outlets for pain.

He asks me to hold him all the time, however much he has ever needed me, he needs me more even now. He is finding his place back into our family, we all are. He, like all of us, is deeper now-deeper in anger, deeper in love, deeper in every emotion he feels.

I heard him today talking to someone, I asked him what he was saying, he told me he was talking to an ant. He had smooshed the ant that was crawling on him and he said he told the ant “I was sorry, I forgot you had feelings”. I smiled at him and gave him a big hug.

I am so proud of the little boy my baby is becoming, so deep and so wise. I am also so sad for him, so sad that at 5 years old he had to know the bitterness of death, so sad he does not get to be the big brother he was so good at being.

While walking down the sidewalk the other day Conner asked me, “mama, why did Trek die?” I know Conner will grieve for Trek a little everyday for the rest of his life. Sometimes he is sad,sometimes happy, today he told me, “at least Trek got to see Disneyland”. I see him miss “his baby” in different ways with every sunrise and sunset.

We always joke that Conner is going to ride a motorcycle, but have a tattoo of a big heart on his arm of the woman he loves. He is the fiery man, the passionate lover of our family, our most loyal friend. Our 2nd baby-the toughest little guy with the biggest heart in the world.

We told Conner that Trek would be in his heart, he thought for a minute and said, “Mama, if you give me milkies will Trek would get them in my heart?”

Oh sweet boy, I miss him too