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Almost immediately after Trek passed away Peyton and Conner clung to me like glue. Before Trek was born 14 months ago, my only job was to take care of and love on Peyton and Conner all day long. It was just me and them for 4 whole years.

I had not realized how much they missed me. Jarrett has always been a very helpful and loving daddy, but after we found out Trek was sick he really kicked it up. He was now the one who hugged Peyton and Conner when they fell, wiped their little butts, and put them to sleep at night.

I was always there, we have not been out of each others’ sights for the past 6 months, but it was different me not doing the actual hands on part.

Thankfully they never resented Trek and the time I spent caring and loving on him. They were always there to help me and to make him smile. We all gladly devoted the last 14 months to making him the happiest baby in the world.

But as soon as my arms were empty they filled them right up again. A mama’s love and touch, while filled with the same amount of love, is just a little different than a daddy’s.

After we let Trek’s ashes go over the ocean we were walking along the beach. I was following Conner and I noticed his little footprints stretching far in front of me. They were so defined, so different than the impressions of Trek’s feet that we had to work so hard at to make a mark in the sand.

It was so soon, maybe too soon for me, but I had to focus on Conner’s little footprints. This sweet little 5 year old boy, that only wanted his mama’s love and attention needed me to help him make his mark on this world.

I want to lay in bed and never get up. I want to cry and cry and never stop. I have some days, some days are black and dreary and all I can see is Trek’s sweet face. But I am pulled out constantly by Peyton and Conner’s love. Their little hands that find me in bed and wipe away my tears, their sweet voices begging me to play toys, their excitement of what are we going to today.

They have their own message to share. These two and their fire pants and ninja moves. The ones that make me laugh and know all my favorite songs. Conner who picks every flower he passes for me and Peyton who cries when I do. These two precious little boys are what’s left of my world and they fill it with so much love and purpose.

 

I have to get up and keep going. I want to, I want to show Peyton and Conner this beautiful world and give them the best damn life just like the one I gave their little brother. I have to follow Conner’s little footprints.