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Almost immediately after Trek passed away Peyton and Conner clung to me like glue. Before Trek was born 14 months ago, my only job was to take care of and love on Peyton and Conner all day long. It was just me and them for 4 whole years.
I had not realized how much they missed me. Jarrett has always been a very helpful and loving daddy, but after we found out Trek was sick he really kicked it up. He was now the one who hugged Peyton and Conner when they fell, wiped their little butts, and put them to sleep at night.
I was always there, we have not been out of each others’ sights for the past 6 months, but it was different me not doing the actual hands on part.
Thankfully they never resented Trek and the time I spent caring and loving on him. They were always there to help me and to make him smile. We all gladly devoted the last 14 months to making him the happiest baby in the world.
But as soon as my arms were empty they filled them right up again. A mama’s love and touch, while filled with the same amount of love, is just a little different than a daddy’s.
After we let Trek’s ashes go over the ocean we were walking along the beach. I was following Conner and I noticed his little footprints stretching far in front of me. They were so defined, so different than the impressions of Trek’s feet that we had to work so hard at to make a mark in the sand.
It was so soon, maybe too soon for me, but I had to focus on Conner’s little footprints. This sweet little 5 year old boy, that only wanted his mama’s love and attention needed me to help him make his mark on this world.
I want to lay in bed and never get up. I want to cry and cry and never stop. I have some days, some days are black and dreary and all I can see is Trek’s sweet face. But I am pulled out constantly by Peyton and Conner’s love. Their little hands that find me in bed and wipe away my tears, their sweet voices begging me to play toys, their excitement of what are we going to today.
They have their own message to share. These two and their fire pants and ninja moves. The ones that make me laugh and know all my favorite songs. Conner who picks every flower he passes for me and Peyton who cries when I do. These two precious little boys are what’s left of my world and they fill it with so much love and purpose.
I have to get up and keep going. I want to, I want to show Peyton and Conner this beautiful world and give them the best damn life just like the one I gave their little brother. I have to follow Conner’s little footprints.
You are such an AMAZING MAMA!!!! Your strenght is so powerful and your boys will always know how strong you are.
And you will. That is the beauty of who you are – you will give to your sweet little boys, but remember to be kind to yourself xxxx
And remember that Trek will be looking after you all as you travel – he is within all of your hearts xx
Beautiful mama. You have been and will do the best for your sweet boys. I am inspired by their sensitivity and ability to know what their mama needs. Be so kind to yourself and let those little footprints lead the way.
Chelsea, your insight amazes me. You surely are giving those darling little guys the most precious gift of all – your heart. The love of your boys – big and small – will see you through this darkness – they are truly the light in your world as you are in theirs.
I know the road will be tough, but you are so insightful in figuring it all out. Your family needs you, but don’t ever neglect your own self. There will be times you will need to crash, so take time for you too. You may have seen this but remember, “You’ll be his first kiss, his first love, his first friend, you are his Mama and he is your whole world; he is your little boy.” This describes you & your boys so perfectly!
I also want to share a devotional that my bestie shared with me yesterday because she thought of our family, “Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind nor before you. Instead focus your attention on Me, your constant companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey. I designed time to be a protection for you, you couldn’t bear to see all your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in my company, breathing deep draughts of My Presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. ‘I am with you watching over you wherever you go.’”
Lots of love from Aunt Jalene sweet Chelsea, Jarrett, Peyton & Conner
Oh yea….love the headline photo with Jarrett & Trek. It looks like Trek is saying, “What cha talkin’ ’bout Willis?” Of course, you may be too young to remember that show
I love the picture of you and Conner (the first one)! I’m so glad you have your boys to help you through this time! You are an amazing mother & such an inspiration to so many people!
I love the first picture of you an Conner, it’s so sweet! I’m so glad you have your boys to fill your arms during this hard time! You are a wonderful mother & such an inspiration to so many of us following your familys journey!
You never know how much love you have to give until you have little ones. It never seems to run dry. That is how I think of you – your love never runs out. What lucky boys you have. They have never doubted your love. I have never seen a mother love has hard and as much as you. I love the devotional Jalene wrote. Just know you and family are wrapped in love by me and many more.
You are truly amazing. All of your boys are blessed to have you.
What a sweet message. Hugs!
Chelsea,
You are such a strong and amazing woman. I hope one day when I’m a mother myself I will have the strength and courage you have. You are giving those boys the best life possible and I look up to you in so many ways.
Thanks for sharing chelsea!
Amazing strength, love and commitment to your family! Your sweet boys are so very lucky to have you as their Mama!!
Chelsea-
You are amazing……..they are your angels that will be there every step of the way. much love=)
Hold tight to those sweet boys! Thanks for sharing!!
Perfect love and strength between each of you, incredible! I can think of no one else that can take care of your boys the way you and Jarrett do. They are simply the luckiest and I too think that they are simply the best too! They carry so much love, light and life! thank you for continuing to share your heart with us.
You make my days better….I love reading about you and your family! The love that you give out…is out of this world! THank you so much for letting us into your family!
Your Mothers love is such a strong force that it will carry you through these dark days to give even more to your sweet family. We know how many people are caring and thinking about your every day. You, Jarrett, Peyton and Conner are very much loved. You are in my prayers and heart every day. Gma
Love this post. I am so happy that you have your precious boys to give you a reason to keep on making your own footprints. They are so blessed to have a wonderful mommy like you. I continue to lift you all in prayers daily, hourly sometimes!!
Your strength is amazing!! You and Jarret created these wonderful boys and it is so wonderful that they are so strong also!! Love reading about your Family!!
You traveled the world as you said you would..and left footprints all over. Don’t stop leaving the footprints! Love you!