Sister reunion: One very long year

18 Tuesday Jun 2013

Posted by oursonnylife in Amanda (sister!), America, extended family

I won’t get into it again, I already wrote pages about how amazing my sister, Amanda is.

It has been over 1 year since I have seen her. Waaay longer than any of our time apart. She was the last person I hugged and saw before we left for Asia with Trek. The last person to hold Trek besides us four.

the last time she held Trek, I love how his little hand is resting on hers:)

To say I was happy to see her again was an understatement, more like needed to/desperate to see her. She is my best friend and somehow managed to be there for me in the most potent ways this past year even though we were a very big ocean apart.

When we booked our flights back to America, that same day Amanda booked flights to meet us in Colorado (even though we are going to her house next month!). She is very sweet and thoughtful in that way (she gets it from our mama). I was so thankful because I really wanted to see her and her babies.

Conner waiting for Auntie, Preston, Jackson, and Dawson (the little baby boy still cooking in her belly:)

And then we saw them and made a big, happy scene in the airport…

Cousins, this about killed me, they were freaking out:)

I missed these 2 sweet boys so much! (Preston (5), Jackson (2 1/2))

Wow, I was not prepared for how happy I would be! I was also surprised at my emotions. In person, I am pretty guarded with sad emotions, I think that is one reason I wanted to be alone after Trek died. I was afraid if people saw me after his death smile, or not cry in front of them, they would mistake my sadness and love for him. I was very surprised when tears came seeing Amanda and her family, I really missed them.

She has now been here for 3 wonderful days, and we have not missed a beat. Thanks to facebook and Skype long distances are not so long.

It’s going to be an amazing 2 weeks!

Remembering my son: my first father’s day without Trek

16 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by oursonnylife in a father's grief, Jarrett

≈ 23 Comments

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Father's day after loss of a child

by Jarrett Ingram

Last year for father’s day I was in Phuket, Thailand. It was a good day. I don’t remember much about it. I remember about where we went (Jungcelon Mall in Patong), what we ate. I think I got a present, I can’t remember. The only thing that comes to mind when I think of last years Father’s Day was that all of my sons were there. To be honest, most of the day is overshadowed by Trek’s death that happened four days later. The pain of his passing seeps forward and backward in my memory, hazing my recollections of what I’m sure was a very happy day.

Remembering him is hard. On the one hand, I savor every memory, every moment that I shared with him. And on the other hand, I find myself burdened with unbearable sorrow. To this day, several things only serve as pneumonic triggers releasing dormant pain. Things that I wish I were able to enjoy. Like the videos I filmed of his life; or songs that we sang together as a family when he was alive. Even movies like Up or Star Trek or any movie that involves death, specifically that of a child causes me to sob, unable to hold back the torrent of emptiness I feel because he is gone.

I walk throughout my in-laws house and find his perfect face staring at me nearly everywhere I go. Often I take my finger and run it over the photograph, just above his little nose. It’s what I would do when he was alive.

I hate that Trek is gone. That one of my sons is no longer with me. His absence leaves Father’s Day, as with most things, feeling incomplete, empty. I have heard that time will cause that to pass, but I am doubtful.

Most of the time I function normally, as if nothing as happened. I read books, write, watch movies, hang out with my family and live life as good as I can. But my subconscious remembers that something is wrong. That my life, no matter how happy or how full, is woefully lacking. And so the pain rests in my heart, running like an aquifer, always beneath the surface.

I could believe the pain could be satiated if there was a remedy, but sadly, there is none. No matter what, Trek is gone. Not a day goes past where one of my surviving sons doesn’t express how much they miss him. Not a day goes by where Chelsea doesn’t lament that he is no longer here. Not a day goes past where I forget that my strong son is dead.

I have been told that he is in a better place, and I suppose I believe that. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling robbed at watching him grow into a man. At seeing him walk for the first time, or saying “da da” or run to hug me when I come home. Those things will have to live on only in my dreams or reverie.

No matter what I do, Father’s day will always be bitter-sweet in my recollections. Sweet because it was my last holiday with Trek. And bitter for the same reason.

I am grateful that I have two other sons to remind me that it the day is perhaps slightly more sweet than bitter. Between us, we can remember my lost son, and their brother. We can hold onto his memory fervently, never forgetting his blue eyes, soft skin, and breathtaking smile. Those will be the gifts that they can give me: conversations that sustain and enliven his memory. That is what it will make it a happy Father’s day. That will make me remember 2012 as a precious gift rather than pain.

Father’s day 2012

Hammonds Candies

13 Thursday Jun 2013

Posted by oursonnylife in adventures with kids, America, Colorado

≈ 14 Comments

Thank you for all the great Colorado tour advice. We have a loooong list of fun things to do. I was even thinking maybe one day I can set up a playdate at a park so I can meet up with anyone who wants to, I think it would be fun:)

We took some of your advice yesterday and went to the tour at Hammonds Candies. It was super fun and free (besides the candy we had to buy:). The boys were mesmerized by both the candy store and the process of how it was made.

such a cute candy van

you got a hat and a sticker when you walked in

the boys watching candy being made, even through the glass you could smell the flavor that was being made that day

a tv screen where you could watch the candy making even closer, its all made by hand

there was no machine in use made after 1950, they even have one machine from the 1800′s they still use!

Peyton being silly going in the “Candymakers only” door:)

and to finish it off you got to pick a lollipop that was an “oops”, it still tasted good:)

We had such a great time, thanks for the advice! Looking forward to some more Colorado adventures. My sister comes in 2 days, so then the party can really start!

Colorado wildflower hike

11 Tuesday Jun 2013

Posted by oursonnylife in adventures with kids, America, Colorado

≈ 36 Comments

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Roxborough State Park

Who would have known that my wanderlust would go crazy when we got to Colorado. After living 4 years on the island of Maui, the mainland of America seems like a big huge wonderful travel opportunity. We explored every part of Maui, and I felt like we needed 4 whole years to do it, but then we wanted more. Its not the best to get the travel bug when you live on an island, you really don’t have anywhere to go! After traveling overseas, it really opened my eyes to the opportunities that are in every place in the world. I mean, I bet the people in Surat thani, Thailand did not think their town was cool, but we thought it was a wonderland.

So as soon as we got to Colorado, I whipped out my travel planning google fingers so we could get some fun exploration in. While many things cost a little more than we are used to spending, I have been using Groupon, LivingSocial and other local offers to find some affordable things to do. We got tickets to the Denver Museum with passes to the Imax and Planetarium for $12 for adults and $9 for children. That will be a fun day.

There are also numerous State parks, natural wonders (I am talking waterfalls and beautiful mountain hikes!), and simple things like malls and playgrounds. My mind is exploding from the possibilities.

Yesterday, I found a site that gave the 5 best hikes in Colorado to see wildflowers. I chose the one closest to us, and the flowers were supposed to be in full bloom mid-June, lucky us! The air was so crisp and smelled of pine trees, ahhh, even at 100 degrees yesterday it was still cool and comfortable.

Well, this is not a hike obviously, but it must be included. The HIGHLIGHT of my week. On the way up the mountains to the State park, I spotted my favorite restaurant in the whole entire world (this is the case until I go to Europe I am sure, but even then..) I all but grabbed the wheel from Jarrett to steer us in the parking lot after a happy yell. Seriously, On the Border-yum.

I used to work here when I was in high school, so I had my share of sampling the food. In my samplings, I found sour cream sauce. It’s actually quite gross when looking above at my huge bowl of milk, cheese, and fat, but all I see is heaven in a bowl. I always order some with the chips (I forgot how nice it is to get free chips and salsa!). And then I order extra on top of my cheese enchiladas. This is getting grosser by the minute.

my precious (I say in my creepy Gollum voice)

Conner randomly ordered a corn dog and explained to the waiter that it was good, but he must try the ones at Disneyland

and free refills on Coke! another joy I had forgotten about

Ok, back from the world of Tex Mex love and obsession, onto the hike.

Roxborough State Park. It cost $7 to get in, that you left in a box at the entrance

a welcome entrance sign

The visitor center at the entrance was small, but very nice. There were a few hands-on things for the boys, which they were really into. It also was nice to understand the area we were about to hike, it made it more interesting.

The had a book of photos of all of the animal sightings. There were some mountain cats and bears in there, which Peyton thought was cool and Conner thought made the hike a very bad idea.

We were so excited to climb the sandstone cliffs, but it was forbidden. It was actually very soft and crumbly and would eventually be destroyed if every one climbed them. Peyton was disappointed at first, but quickly forgot after we started hiking.

there were many trails to choose from, we chose the Willow Creek Loop which was 1.4 miles round trip

there was not a ton of wildflowers, but enough to add some color to the hike

we are loving this Colorado summer weather and the beauty of the mountains

the mighty Willow Creek-hehe:) I had the boys feel it, I love how cold mountain water is

And then we saw a deer. Growing up in Texas I saw many deer and wildlife, but the boys have grown up on Maui and there is not much land wildlife there, not even squirrels. (some incredible sea life though!) They went crazy when they saw this deer, their first one in the wild. It was really special.

now that’s a mushroom

can’t wait to show the boys some more of amazing Colorado!

P.S. If you live in Colorado and have any advice on things to do we would love it. We are open to anything that would be fun for the boys! (or a date night for me and Jarrett:)

4 days in America

09 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by oursonnylife in a mother's grief, America, Colorado, extended family, friends

≈ 24 Comments

Ok, wow, America is so cool.

We have been slowly getting over the time difference/jet lag. Peyton and Conner of course were not affected, so my mom has been graciously letting Jarrett and I sleep in while she entertains the boys.

We have been enjoying the comforts of an American home, carpet, bath tubs, comfy couches, soft beds, SPACE! Seriously, I have never felt so far away from the boys, on the other side of the house they are the farthest they have been away from me since we started traveling 18 months ago-ha!

Peyton running into Nana’s arms at the airport:)

Papa T and the boys

After 1 year of travel in Asia this is what we came back with. We left with only 3 suitcases:)

the sunset over the Rocky Mountains from my parent’s back porch

We have been loving all of the parks in Denver. There are so many to choose from and the boys think its the best thing since their fire pants.

We went to this park in Brighton, CO. The boys met some cute little boys to play with and were having a blast. I was sitting on a bench watching them, so happy for them, but also sad I did not have a little one to play with. Trek would have still needed constant help on a playground, and I LOVE playing on playgrounds with my children. It was one of my favorite things when the boys were smaller. Ok, I still do, but they don’t need me to anymore, its different.

A 2 year old little girl came up to me and handed me her juice. I smiled and told her thank you that I would sit it beside me and watch it for her. She then asked to sit beside me. I picked up her little body and sat her beside me, admiring how precious she was. I almost lost it. It took all I had to hold it together. She sat for awhile and then ran off. And then I let it go.

I could not stop the tears, thankfully I was wearing sunglasses. God, I want Trek so bad. I wanted that to be his juice and his chubby legs sitting beside me.

I wasn’t quite ready for the effect an American toddler would have on me. I haven’t cried like that in public for a long time, I usually only cry when I am all alone. It is unavoidable, and okay, I know it won’t always be so near the surface. But it was that day. I really miss Trek.

perfect baby boy

I got myself under control and went to find Peyton and Conner. I was so thankful I had 2 active, handsome boys to keep my heart full even though its hurting so often.

my sweet Peyton loving the climbing toys

Nana helping Conner twirl

some lady that is way too big for the play equipment using it

Jarrett and I celebrated our 9 years of marriage this week. Man I love that guy. I think I will keep him another 9 years. We went on a date to celebrate, which was nice. Even though we wimped out and skipped dinner after the movie because we missed Peyton and Conner so much. We have gotten kind of used to having them around, and they are pretty much the coolest things ever.

9 years together!!!

this slide used to fit me

Then yesterday we got to do something AMAZING! Meet our niece! Jaylee turned one year old this week. She is the daughter of Jarrett’s brother, Jordan, and his super amazing wife Jodi. We have never got to meet Jaylee. She was born one week before Trek died, and we were already in Thailand (I wrote about her birth here). I wish we could have seen her grow more this past year, but seeing her yesterday was very touching for Jarrett and I. We are totally in love.

eeeek! she is soo precious!

Jarrett was so in love

so was Aunt Chelsea

can I keep her forever?

I look forward to many more play dates with our little niece/cousin:) After her fun birthday party, where she totally charmed us, we got to do yet another amazing thing.

One of our friends from Maui were in town visiting their family! It was too good to be true. The boys had a little group of friends in Maui and we miss them so much. All of their mamas became so much to me since we had no family there, none of them did either, so we were all each others Aunts and Uncles (that is even what you call grown ups in Hawaii instead of Mr./Mrs.) To get to talk to my dear friend, Shannon, and see her children’s little faces really meant so much to me. I am getting teary just thinking about it. I think I really missed all my friends and family.

Deveraux, Anderson, Shannon, and us:)

Wow, what an amazing few days. I have been a little emotional, both good and bad with all the emotions I am feeling. But I am so thankful to be here right now, it was the perfect choice for our family.