on Trek after Vesper

I have had 2 dreams about Trek since Vesper was born. I have only had 9 dreams before those in the 2 years since he died, so that’s a lot for me. They were so simple. The first was 2 weeks after her birth. I was holding him, and he was as he was, towards the end of his life-adorable, small, and big blue eyes. I could tell he needed some pain medicine, so I asked Jarrett to bring me some morphine, and that was it. It was serene and he was in my arms, a perfect moment. The other was 2 nights ago. Vesper was alive in it, but I did not see her, I just knew she was there because I knew the milk in my breasts was hers. Someone else had Trek and I ran over to them. I knew he was supposed to be gone, I was a little surprised to see him, but not really. I calmly took him, and shushed someone who was trying to tell me that he was not supposed to be there. I knew he just needed me to hold and feed him. In the dream I was relieved that I had already given birth to Vesper and that I had milk for him. I started to breastfeed him and soaked in his beautiful face and that was all. Perfect again.

His absence has been intensified since Vesper has been born. The 7 year gap between her and Conner seems huge.

there is literally a huge gap where Trek should be standing

In my head and heart I see him there, but knowing that most people around me don’t know or see him, kills me. Jarrett and I were talking about how it would be to add a 3 year old Trek to the family mix right now. I would be younger and lighter and free and so completely overwhelmed with joy. My nest would be full.

When Trek was taken from us at 14 months old, the natural cycle of parenthood just ended in a millisecond. There would be no potty training, or play doh, or funny dances, or cute phrases. It never came. It was cut off so painfully and sharply. It was so easy when Peyton and Conner transitioned from baby to toddler. My energy had to go up, as a toddler always demands. It was amazing fun, I built forts in the living room, we planted fairy gardens, I ran everywhere just so I could keep up with them. But it never came with Trek, that natural rise in energy. And no matter how I try to recreate it to keep our lives and energy the same for the boys, nothing will ever be that organic or pure as when your child is leading the way.

I would have played Play doh with you for hours Trek.

We are taught our whole lives that things will get better. I think its partly a human thing, and partly an American one. If you scrape your knee it will eventually heal, if your heart gets broken there will be another love, if the money is not there one month, you still magically live in the same house the next and have food on your table. It doesn’t always turn out perfect, but for the most part, it has always been true, things get better or work out.

That is why it is so conflicting and completely uncomprehensible when your child dies. Your brain and coping mechanisms, immediately go to the place where it will get better. It searches and searches, but it never finds the answer, because it won’t get better. They won’t come back, and you won’t ever feel whole again, you literally will never be whole again.

But part of me must believe it. I feel myself going towards a dark place, where I fully comprehend that I will never see Trek’s hair grow long enough to grow curls, never watch him throw a ball, say a word, write his letters, feel him hug me, run, make a friend, walk down the aisle, conquer a fear, hold his own child, meet his wife, me hold his child. I comprehend pieces of it, I have dark moments full of tears and longing and claustrophobia because I want it to happen sooooooooooooo bad, but it just won’t. I want to scream and do something, anything, to get him back.

Maybe I know it won’t help, that I can’t do anything, or maybe some part thinks it can be fixed. I would not be surprised if someone knocked on my door right now and handed him to me. I think it would be like my dream and I would just hold him and love him and feed him and be his mommy again. I think I would think, “see Chelsea, it does get better, it always does”.

I remember when my milk dried up a few weeks after Trek died, I was so worried. What if it was a mistake, what if he still needed that milk, what if he came back and it was gone. Maybe that is why I am having more dreams of my baby. I feel like I can truly take care of him again since I have milk.

 

2 months with Vesper

Vesper is exactly 2 months old today! What an amazing 2 months it has been, we want to keep her forever and ever!!!

-She still likes to nurse every hour and hates to be put down. She likes to be held non-stop, so thankfully she has 2 big brother holders in addition to mama and daddy!

-She is staying awake a little more, but still sleeps almost all day.

-She is doing sooo much better in the carseat on car rides now since she has a pacifier-thank you paci!

-She started smiling 2 nights ago, at daddy (of course!), right before she turned 8 weeks. She smiled at me for the first time today (heart melt) !!! (All our babies do things on the later side, so don’t freak out when she is crawling when others are walking, and sitting when other babies are standing-hehe:)

-She just graduated to her 0-3 month clothes, so its really hard to pick out which adorable dress she will wear each day!

-I am not sure how much she weighs, she goes to her 2 month check-up in a few days

I have been lamo about writing lately, thankfully I have not been lame about taking pictures though! My snapfish account is full of photos organized by week (or even days-haha). I just need to transfer them over to the blog with some commentary now. I hope to get caught up soon, so I don’t get too behind on Vesper’s little life thus far and Peyton’s and Conner’s. I have her birth story written and most of the photos added, so that will be coming soon, along with our trip to Colorado (her first plane ride!), and our amazing experience at the Wylder Nation Warrior gala. But for today, here is Vesper and Peyton and Conner around here for the past couple of weeks!

Besides the gala and Vesper’s and my weekend trip to Colorado, we have just been hanging around the house and a little around town. We have a membership to a water park in town, so we go there at least once a week. We had a family cold for 2 whole weeks-even Vesper, so we were extra lazy because of that. But thankfully we are all better now!

a rainbow for our Rainbow baby

Peyton training for Ninja Warrior while watching American Ninja Warrior. He has been watching the original Japanese Ninja Warrior since he was 4 years old and training for it. He would set up a training course on our lanai in Maui, and work on it for hours, I have videos of it, its so cute:) We tried to go see it when we visited Japan 2 years ago, but you have to be a family member of a contestant to go in Japan. Peyton was so excited that they have it in America now. Only 12 more years until he can defeat Mt. Midoriyama himself:)

Peyton 4 years old on his rope ladder (I loved his long Hawaii blonde hair:)

climbing a rock face at 4 years old in Maui

more training:) ( I wish my body did that!)

Peyton asked if he could put Vesper to sleep while I cooked, and he actually did!

him and Conner are such amazing brothers

and then little burrito snuggled daddy when he got home

my college roommate Lacy came to meet Vesper:)

*sigh of relief* her size Newborn sleeper still fit her:)

I wished I looked good in those short rompers-they are soo cute!

After many days and several pacifier brand tries, she finally found one she liked:) I used pacifiers with Peyton and Conner because they would nurse so much they would throw up, Vesper started doing the same thing. She has not thrown up since she started using it:) (Trek would have nothing to do with them-hehe:)

I made a “Bored Box” the other day. While the boys have not actually used the word “bored” yet, there was a lot of electronic entertainment going on. So I silently threw together this box from the craft cabinet, and set it out. It was a huge hit and they played for hours out of it.

spending the day at Aunties for 4th of July

my brother in law-Chet, and Jarrett with Vesper

my brother and his family came too, so all the cousins were together! (10 in all, but only 9 little bodies since Trek is not here)

Conner helps me pick out Vesper’s hair bow every day

he’s actually getting really good at it:)

look who got her first Babikini! hehe

we were all freaking out from the cuteness

hehe, Vesper is not sure what to think

do you see a pattern?! Conner is a Vesper fanatic! :)

the present I brought back for Conner from my trip-teeny Beanie Boos that McDonalds has right now:) 

Conner again-ha!

 

 

How to Make a Bike & Scooter Rack in 5 minutes for $20!

Does your garage look like this?

Haha-mine does!!! It’s amazing how many things with wheels 2 little boys can amass! Seriously, 5 scooters, 3 skate boards, and 3 bikes for 2 children-the math does not add up, but whatever. And then with their little sister about the join the ranks, it needed to be controlled-asap.

I have been thinking of an organization  plan for weeks now. I wanted it to be easy enough for the boys to pick up by themselves, and for it to look somewhat visually pleasing. I started formulating a design in my head. It involved a trip to the hardware store, tools with motors, nails, time, drama, and who knows how much money. Thankfully, I realized my design largely resembled the shelf in my laundry room.

a 5 minute assembly, $20 Walmart shelf

I didn’t even have 5 minutes, since the baby was napping, and could wake up any second. So thankfully mine was already put together!

I moved all the toys out of the way, laid the shelf on its side, and put the backside of the shelf against the wall.

I then removed the top, outer pole from each shelf, so I would be able to slide the bikes, scooters, and skateboards in.

Ta-dah! I slid in the wheely toys and my heart leapt!!! I have waited a long time for this day-it’s beautiful!

and just for fun, it went from this…

to this in less than 5 minutes!!!

The boys have not had a chance to play and then clean up yet, so I will see how it goes. Do you guys have any great ways to organize outdoor toys?

Trek’s 2nd angelversary

Tags

5 weeks with Vesper (and Pegheads winner!!)

Ok, the winner of the adorable Peghead family!! I always count the comments, then put them in a random number generator online. I always felt bad for the #1 comment and the last comment, thinking it would never be picked, but I laughed out loud last night because….the generator chose #1!!

Hi Chelsea -

I “liked” Peghead’s Facebook page and started following their Instagram as well. These are so stinkin’ cute – I’d love a set of my family ❤️!!